Jesus, etc.
“So, I know he was crucified on the cross and all…it did sound terrible…but the rest of us never get any credit, let alone acknowledged. It kinda sucks to be honest. We all suffered, some more than others, but this isn’t a contest. Anyways, I’m stoked that you are here to spread the word with an article. It feels amazing to finally have a voice after so long.
“When I died, I was super bummed to learn that I’d never get to have sex, get drunk, smoke weed, or go to a real college party, but I’ll save that for another interview. You’ll come back again, right?
“True, I had some good experiences even though I didn’t have a quote, full life, but who really does? I gained attention and notoriety, and that by far made up for the lost time. Picture me, some sixteen-year-old kid from small town USA becoming the first person ever to die from texting while driving. I was a literal overnight sensation. I couldn’t believe it; I had finally become a star. Imagine all the chicks I could have pulled if I was still alive.
“No, I didn’t understand what was going on until the big man sat me down and explained my purpose here. I was psyched. My name and legacy would live on far after my death. And I thought for sure that I would have some impact on the world. The media literally could not stop talking about me. But looking back I feel it was for all the wrong reasons. So what if my last message to the world was, ‘See you s—’? Any idiot could pick up on the irony. You look shocked by that statement. I took 10th grade lit, remember?
“Yeah, I do recall there was a period of about a week when I was the top savior, and my death count went to zero. But as soon as the media moved on to the latest and greatest political scandal—
“No, I don’t recall, but it probably had to do with hookers. Now, where was I? Oh, right—so the media stopped reporting about me, and the fatalities started climbing back up. And even now there are still thousands of deaths each year due to texting while driving. Every day, I literally have to ask myself what is wrong with these people.
“Do I wish I was able to save more lives? Sure, why not? We all can’t be Him, but with each passing year, I’m starting to feel more and more like a failure. Of course, people are always going to text and drive if there are phones, but I can forgive the teens. It’s the parents whom I have no compassion for.
“Well, like any other teenager, I thought I was invincible. But if I was a forty-year-old, married mom, with two kids in the car, I would sure hope that I had enough sense to put the phone down during the trip. I ended my life through my own mistake, but at least I didn’t take anyone else with me. Except for that light pole—man, you should have seen it!
“Yes, it does scare me to consider the future of self-driving cars. I don’t really know what will happen once I’m irrelevant. But remember time moves differently over here. I’ll figure something out. I’ve had a good run but it’s not quite over.”
“Did you bring them? Good man. I can get absolutely anything imaginable up here except for a frickin’ pack of smokes. I’m not in Hell but it sure does feel like a prison. To this day I still butt heads with the boss man about his requirement for me to stay pure. Gotta keep him happy, I guess.
“No, I don’t regret it at all. Cigarettes were my life. Two pack a day guy over here. Nothing in the world quite like it. But man, the cancer. Damn that was a bitch. I still would have smoked till the day I died if they let me.
“I understand that he wants me to play savior and all, but I didn’t choose this path. He chose it for me. I could care less that people still die. It made me happy, why can’t it make them happy too, you know?
“Redemption? The way I see it they’re all guilty. Plus, I enjoy the extra space up here.”
“Not who you were expecting right? I bet a lot of people reading this interview thought they were getting Judas. But I beat him out by a full two seconds. And I was even considering doing it a day later, but it just wasn’t right. In that case, maybe you would have gotten the interview you really wanted.
“Oh, you’re happy to have me, are you? Well then, what are you waiting for? Ask away.
“Good question. I think deep down, people know when they are utterly lost. Heck, I’ve been there, I know how deep the pit goes.
“Even with my death, and Judas’s that still overshadows me to this day, I don’t think we would have been able to change the outcome of history. His style may have been different from mine, but I’ve never been the type of guy to run down the street screaming, ‘Don’t do it kids! Save your souls!’ That’s not my style, I’m more on the accepting approach.
“How? Well, I like to be very transparent with the individuals before the big cut, shot, or jump happens. Yes, you will be missed by someone. Yes, your pain will subside. Weigh the pros and cons, and you do you.
“I’m confusing you. The others didn’t mention that we can communicate with the living? Boy, what a bunch of pansies.
“So, you know when people say they’ve talked to God? Well, they aren’t necessarily insane or lying. They may just be talking to the wrong one.
“Gotta run. Thanks again for having me. It feels good to finally get some recognition. Although, I do love my job—never been happier. I’m the Jesus of Suicide after all, what more could I ask for?”